Ugh Tests

Ugh tests.

I really hate being tested.  “Are we there yet?”  Apparently not.  Clearly everything in life is just a continual and ongoing test that never ever ever EVER fricken ends.

I am a cheerful and optimistic person.  “Oh yeah? Well lets throw this at you and find out how optimistic you really are…”

I guess I must not have passed that test.  I guess that in living my whole entire life thus far being basically always positive and joyful doesn’t earn me any extra credit points or excuse me from future testings or pop quizzes in the classroom of life.

It may sound like I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself, but I’m really not a “woe is me, poor me” type of person.  Not at all.  I am a “wow, I’m so very blessed” type of person.  Ask anyone who knows me well.  I am just really feeling done with this struggle to maintain my joyful, optimistic disposition.  It used to always come so naturally and now I feel like I have to fight for it.  I know I sound like a broken record here saying this yet again, but the last few years have just been so dang hard.  I’m weary.

I have gained a little ground, learned things about myself along the way, and I think I’m on an upward trend, but gosh, the climb is really challenging my endurance in remaining optimistic.

A while back in a post called “Being Grateful” I shared about a thankfulness journal that I had started and how important it is to find something each day to be grateful for no matter what else is going on in your life.  Well, this morning as I sat down with my coffee and thankfulness journal in hand, I had a really hard time coming up with something to write down, and that alarmed me.  I’ve recently experienced a very discouraging heartbreak, and I don’t want to make light of that, it has left me feeling really, really hurt, but ordinarily I would still be able to come up with something outside of that realm of hurt to feel thankful for.  Well, I happened to wake up this morning with a horrible itchy rash all over my body and that set me up for beginning my day feeling even more negative.  I thought “Really?  Well this is just great.  What next?” (For future reference… never ask that).  Anyway, I did eventually find not just one, but several things to be thankful for today, but it was a bit more of a struggle than usual.  I don’t just write any ol’ thing down, I need to really be and feel the gratitude for what I’m thankful for, because that is its purpose.  I do think however, that I may start writing in my thankfulness journal in the evenings instead of the morning so that I have the day’s events to draw upon.

I wonder what today will bring?  Other than this horrible rash.  I have a late lunch/early dinner date with a dear friend later that I’m looking forward to.  I’m afraid it may mostly consist of me crying at her quite a bit as I share some of the details of my recent heartbreak with her, but I hope to be able to be of an encouragement to her as well.  Good true friends are one of life’s blessings to be thankful for, and I not only want to appreciate the ones I have, but I want to be one to the ones I have.  Hopefully no tests will be required.  But knowing life… everything is tested, even friendships.  Fricken tests…

One more thing, when looking at my blog stats the other day I found that I had several hits on my post from last spring called  “A Purpose in the Pain” so I went back and refreshed myself on what I had wrote in that post.  Interestingly, I felt encouraged by reading it.  So if you find yourself in a difficult place today or feeling discouraged, you may want to check it out.

This is a test…. this is only a test.

“This too shall pass.”

~

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