So a new year is right around the corner here and I’ve got a lot on my mind as it approaches. Things past, things present, and things yet to come are all converging at once and simultaneously scrambling around in my head at the moment. It’s gettin’ kinda crowded in there and I’m tempted to try and lock it all away behind a firewall of sorts somewhere within the depths of my brain.
Ordinarily I do more of a “New Year’s resolution” type thing around my birthday time. I figure that’s really when a new year of my life begins ~ not the calendar year, but I still find myself contemplating life along with everyone else during this time of the year…
The past few years have been some of the most difficult of my life so far and there were times when I didn’t know how I was even going to continue on. Hopeless, seemingly helpless, and dark times where it was hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But by living one moment at a time, simply concentrating on breathing in and out, and taking one step and then another, I got through it ~ along with a lot of support and encouragement from good friends and precious family, the companionship and comfort of my furry pets, and my faith in God.
But in just reflecting on the calendar year of 2011…
January began with the dissolution of my 21 year marriage as my divorce became final after over a year of horrendous upheaval and turmoil. I know that divorce is common in our society these days, but what I went through was anything but “common” to me. Such hurt, betrayal and regret. I’m sure at some point I will blog about that whole process in more detail, but right now all I will say is that although my heart is still a bit bruised and battered ~ I am profoundly grateful to be free from that relationship. And… that I’m doing okay.
In February I met someone new. Yeah, I know… a month is hardly enough time to wait in between a tumultuous divorce and entering into a new relationship, but I didn’t mean for it to happen and believe me… I resisted. But he was very persistent and before I knew it he had sneaked his way fully into my heart . Also, I must confess that after feeling abandoned and discarded by my husband it just felt so darn good to be pursued and wanted. And not only was this new guy the exact polar opposite of my ex, but he seemingly adored everything about me ~ even the things my ex had hated and complained about. I fell hard. Real hard. And I am still not over the break-up of that relationship which was just this past October.
As I’ve mentioned in earlier posts, my Dad passed away this past June after a valiant fight against colon cancer. The pain and loss I have experienced through that and getting through the holidays has been especially difficult for me.
But now the holidays are over. Well not quite… New Years is here now = reason for this post.
Ever since the realization of my impending divorce began, I have been trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I didn’t have a career during my marriage because my focus was on raising our daughter, being a good wife, and taking care of my home. I worked at my daughter’s school for 11 years and loved every minute of it. Well… not every minute, but I enjoyed it very much and cherish the relationships I built during my time there. It wasn’t just a job to me and I felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be. But in June of 2010, I was let go along with 20 or so other people as the school did some restructuring and cutting back. So not only was I in the middle losing my marriage, but I had lost a job that I loved and a strong connection with a community that had grown to be like an extended family to me.
I knew in getting divorced that I was going to have to eventually find a different job that would support me financially, but I had also hoped that maybe I could stay working at the school and collect spousal maintenance until I figured out what to do next. Maybe take some classes in this or that to try and rediscover my interests. Up to that point my life had just been so wrapped up in being a wife and a mom that I hadn’t really given much thought to anything else.
Thankfully I am receiving some spousal maintenance, but the amount I’m getting will soon be drastically reduced and here I sit ~ jobless and still without a clue of which path to take.
So as this new year approaches I guess one of my top resolutions should/will be to really dig into the depths of my heart and mind and try and figure it all out huh?
That along with… eating healthier, taking better care of myself and a myriad of other things I want to change and/or improve in my life… 😉 I’m sure you can relate.
Out of curiosity I decided to Google the top ten new year’s resolutions and was not surprised to find they were:
1. Spend more time with family & friends
2. Make time for fitness
3. Tame the bulge
4. Quit smoking
5. Enjoy life more
6. Quit drinking
7. Get out of debt
8. Learn something new
9. Help others
10. Get organized
Sounds good to me. And you know… 2012 is supposedly the end of the line, so we had better make the most of it!