An Experiment in Story Writing

Okay, so I may chicken out and remove this after posting it, but I’m feeling desperate for more feedback on this.   All of one person has read this other than my immediate family, and hers was encouraging :), but before investing more time and energy on it I’d really like to hear from a few more people.  I’m really embarrassed to share it.  So please be kind.

This is a story that I’ve been working on that up until now has only existed in my head.  It’s still only in the very early stages and I don’t have all the details of it worked out ~ it doesn’t even have a title yet.  I’m unsure of some of my wording and punctuation, but I kinda think it’s a good story.  At least it is inside of my head ;).  I guess it would be considered science fiction genre since it’s set in space (I’m such a nerd), but it’s main theme is a love story…

~

She had been hiding out in the cargo hold for nearly two days now since the attack.  She was tired, thirsty and at her wits end, when she heard the lone footsteps coming down the aisle toward her little hiding spot.  Fear gripped her as her mind raced frantically, trying to formulate a plan of action for what to do when those footsteps would reach her.

Celeste had spent the past three years working on this research base as the facility’s computer systems analyst.  Being motivated and brilliant, she had finished her formal higher education early and eagerly began looking for positions that would be not only challenging, but interesting and exciting as well, and this one provided all three.  She had been highly recommended for this position by her professors because of her superior intelligence, extensive knowledge of computers, and also because of her natural ability to problem solve.  Well, problem solving was exactly what she needed now.

She wasn’t quite ready to surrender just yet, but she wasn’t exactly the fighting type either.  Not weak by any means, but definitely more on the feminine side.  And beautiful.  She always tried to play down her appearance in public, and in wanting to be taken seriously in the career world, would often pull up her long, dark, wavy hair into a tight formal looking bun.  But while in the privacy of her own quarters she always let it hang down, and that is how it was now.  Except at the moment it was wild and scraggly looking in her overwrought condition.

In those few precious moments listening to the footsteps as they drew nearer, her mind raced through various scenarios and possibilities of how this impending confrontation could play out.  You’d think she could have contemplated this during the two days she’d been holding up in there, but most of that time had been spent in shock and simply trying to decompress from all of the violence she had witnessed during the initial onslaught.

She had been reading in her quarters that evening when she heard the outbreak of fighting out in the corridor.  At first she thought it strange that someone would have the volume setting so high on a movie they were watching in another room, but when she felt the vibrations from things thudding against the walls, she knew it was much more than a loud movie that was happening.  Her first impulse was to go and look outside the door of her quarters, but her higher reasoning told her that would probably be dangerous, so instead she went to the computer console located on the wall, entered in her security clearance ID, and pulled up the surveillance cameras for the base.  It took her brain a few moments to process what she was seeing; she just couldn’t believe what the images on the screen were showing her.  Dozens of Treylorian soldiers were pouring in from every direction and like the ocean’s waves crashing against the rocks, they brutally laid to waste everything and everyone that lay in their path.  It was truly horrifying.

Humans and Treylorians had been at war for as long as she could remember, but she wasn’t sure of the history as to exactly how or why it had originated.  She knew when she was hired for this position that this planet, where the research base was located, was in a contested area of space and that there was some risk of a possible attack, but she had been assured by her superiors that because of the nature of their work here it was very unlikely to happen.  Up until now that had been correct.

Celeste spent several minutes watching the surveillance cameras, and when she thought she noticed a slight pattern in their attack, she began trying to formulate a way of escape.  But there were none, so all she could do was to try to think of a place to hide.  That was where she came up with the idea of hiding in the cargo hold.  It was a vast chamber located in the far reaches of the facility and loaded with thousands of crates containing various cargo for maintaining the base’s operations.  She thought maybe if she could reach it, she could hold up there, and when things calmed down, possibly sneak out and find a way to contact the base’s headquarters for help.

She was terrified at the idea of leaving her quarters, but she knew if she stayed there it would only be a matter of time before she would be taken captive, and the way she saw the Treylorian soldiers viciously treating their captives on the surveillance cameras frightened her even more.  Watching the cameras closely, she timed it just right, and wearing only her pajamas which consisted of a pair lounge shorts and a camisole, she slipped quickly and quietly out of her quarters and made her way to the cargo hold.

It was a long and arduous journey, and with her heart pounding so fiercely in her chest that the sound of it vibrated in her ears; she weaved stealthily in and out of the small nooks and crannies along the corridors.  A huge sense of relief washed over her when she finally arrived undetected at the entrance of the cargo hold. As she stepped inside and tiptoed down the long aisles, she found what seemed to be the safest hiding spot, and there she had remained ever since.

The footsteps were almost upon her now and she reacted on impulse without thinking and grabbed a nearby metal bar that was used as leverage for moving the crates of cargo.  In an instant she sprang up and positioned herself to swing that bar with all her might at the enemy belonging to those dreaded footsteps.

And then she saw him…

~

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this.  Let me know what you think…

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12 responses to “An Experiment in Story Writing

  1. Joni Sunderland

    Hi Julie
    You captured my imagination for sure! 😀

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  2. Nasty little cliffhanger you left us with there!

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  3. Finally, 😉 I am so glad that you decided to share this with the world. Loved it before, love it now. Can’t wait for more. Hugs my friend.

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  4. Thank you so much for your input! I will take your suggestion into consideration. 🙂

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  5. OK – who was it? Who belonged to the footsteps? LOL Do you know yet?
    There are some sentences that could drop a few words that are not needed. I always have to go back through and edit in that way. Like – instead of “crates of cargo” it could be “cargo crates.”

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    • Haha! Yes… I know who the footsteps belong to. Haven’t written it down yet though because I’ve been busy gardening and ranting about my ex. 😉 Thanks so much for the tip on rewording the cargo crates, I definitely appreciate any and all suggestions like that for helping make my story the best it can be. Thank you very much for stopping by and for your comment!

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  6. Pingback: Communication | Ramblings From Jewels

  7. Seems like the beginning of a great story. Looking forward to reading more! How did you come up with the name Celeste? Just curious.

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    • Thanks! It’s been over a year since I’ve worked on it, and there isn’t much more of it written down other than this first segment of it, so it could be a while before you could read more. I keep intending to get back to it, but you know what they say about “intentions.” 😉 Hopefully, I’ll feel inspired to write some more of it before too long.

      The name Celeste came from the word celestial, the story is set in space (in the heavens) and I don’t know, it seemed fitting. Plus I think it’s just a really beautiful name.

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