That moment when you’re left scratching your head and wondering… “What was I thinking?”
Apparently I wasn’t, is my realization. “Live and learn” the saying goes. One would think that I’ve learned darn plenty in all of these 46 years and be much wiser by now, but I guess not.
What it comes down to is… when the heart is involved… sometimes the head isn’t. I’ve always thought that I had a pretty good balance between the two ~ and I guess I still do think that, for the most part. Just having some regrets right now and wishing I hadn’t let my heart get broken. Picking up the pieces afterward sucks real hard.
When you open your heart to someone there is always a risk of it getting hurt. Hurt hurts and makes me want to close it up tight to protect it. And there is something to be said for “guarding your heart.” Tried to do that. Failed. I don’t know how else to live than with a wide open heart.
I probably just need to not trust so easily. I’m usually pretty good at reading people, but at the same time I always give them the benefit of the doubt and try to believe that they are who they show themselves to be. Maybe that’s just being naive. I live my life being as authentic and real as I can (without totally embarrassing myself) and I guess I just expect others are trying to do the same. It’s so disappointing to realize otherwise.
I wish I had something encouraging and inspirational to tell myself right now. But yeah… I got nothin’.
Guess I can occupy myself with other things like… gardening! My therapy. I’m going to attempt building an A-frame trellis of sorts for growing my cucumbers on. I’ll get to use my new staple gun again. Yeah, shooting staples ought to do the trick. There is something to be said for keeping yourself busy doing things that you enjoy. Wish it wasn’t so cold out, but at least the sun is shinning. Soaking up some vitamin D should help fix me up too…