Daily Archives: November 20, 2012

Ah Roller Coasters

You know, I’ve never been much of a fan of roller coasters.  I mean, I like excitement as much as the next person, but I have just never really enjoyed the type of ride that you get from a roller coaster.  All the ups and downs and being jerked around.  And I don’t much like it in my emotional life either.

The other day after watching a memorable home movie, I was struck with how very much I want to treasure each and every moment of my life, realizing that time is precious and wanting to make the most of it ~ especially reflecting on the fact that right now is really all we’ve got.  So it’s interesting to me that basically the very next day I found myself wanting to dull my mind and completely “check out.”  I won’t go into the details for the reason why I was wanting to check out, but basically sometimes I simply don’t know what to do with my troubled thoughts and I just want them to shut up for a while until I feel like dealing with them.  There are several different things I use as a type of escape during times like that, but this time I chose to spend hours on end watching TV.  Now typically I don’t really watch a lot of TV, but I do enjoy watching certain television programs, series, documentaries and movies, but ordinarily I prerecord them so I am able to fast forward through the commercials.  I despise commercials with venomous hatred.  But on this particular occasion I was flipping through the channels and then stopping to watch various things that were of interest to me, so it was live TV and I wasn’t able to skip through the commercials.  Well, the last thing you want to deal with when you’re already feeling low about things in your life is to be bombarded with images being thrown at you that only validate the meaninglessness and emptiness of your present existence.  Haha I know that sounds a bit dramatic, but such is this emotional roller coaster of life that we sometimes must ride.

In commercials we have these fake people, in fake scenarios, portraying fake lifestyles, promoting material objects, products and services that promise you that the obtaining of these things will bring you all of the happiness and sense of success and fulfillment that you long for in life, and you deserve it.  If you eat this food or use this product, you will look like this, if you buy this item for your loved one for Christmas, that will be the thing that really shows your love and bring peace in your home, if you buy this car, that will show how successful you really are, oh and it’s got better mileage so you financial situation will improve too.  Blah, blah, blah, and on it goes.  Yeah, right, okay.  I’m not buying into it.  But at the same time, if I’m being honest, it still messes with my head a bit.  All these advertisements do is promote and create a sense of discontent with life.  In nearly every area, depending on the thing that is being advertised.  It’s infuriating!

And all I wanted to do was watch TV and escape for a while.  Ugh.

Then the following day, still feeling tender about my uselessness as a human being, I go out to drive my mom to a doctor appointment.  I decided to wait out in the car, listen to music, enjoy the nice weather, just try and forget about the things that are bothering me, and what happens?  All those thoughts and feelings I was trying to avoid, come crashing in and before I know it I’m in tears.  I sit there a while crying and then gradually I begin to pull myself together.  Then I start noticing the people coming and going from the clinic.  Sick and ill, I can see the pain etched in their faces and I begin wondering again about what is this life for?  What have these dear souls got going on in their lives?  I can feel their suffering and I start crying again, but this time for them.  Wondering what can I do?  Thinking ‘we’re doing it wrong, life isn’t supposed to be this way.’  I suddenly had this sense of awareness of how we’re all being fooled somehow about what we’re really here for.  I always over spiritualize everything so my rational side said “Calm down, you’re just being weird again.”  And then a song came on the radio that I was just thinking about, it’s one that often comes to mind when I’m in a busy, crowded place or sitting in traffic and I begin thinking about all the people around me, feeling that sense of how we’re all connected, but we’re all so caught up in our own lives to even notice one another.  Listening to it made me feel like Someone up there was hearing my thoughts and encouraging me that I wasn’t just being weird.  Give Me Your Eyes by Brandon Heath

Then I look up just as a woman falls to the ground in the middle of the parking lot.  Without a second thought I get out of the car and rush over to her, she’s hurt.  And she’s embarrassed.  My heart broke and I felt helpless to comfort her.  I told her to just give herself a minute and not to feel in a rush to try and get up, then I asked her if she thought she may need medical attention and she said she didn’t know yet.  She began to cry and I cried with her.  It’s amazing the amount of love and compassion that was overwhelming me at that moment, I literally wanted to take her in my arms, but feeling awkward I just stood there next to her and let her sit there on the ground and work it out.  A couple came walking out of the clinic and asked if she needed assistance, she still said she didn’t know, but I could feel her growing embarrassment at drawing attention to herself.  She eventually got up and seemed to be alright.  I felt as if there was something more I should have done for her, but she quickly dismissed me and hurried off to her car.  I went back to my own car and cried some more and prayed for her.

Shortly after that my mom came out and wanted to fill me in on what had happened at her appointment, so I tried to shift my attention to her, but it was difficult.  After we got home I spent the rest of the afternoon out on the patio, back to contemplating my own personal situation, but still finding no resolve.  That evening I chose once again to try and numb myself with the TV, but this time it was prerecorded stuff so thankfully at least I was able to skip through the stupid commercials.  I stayed up late watching into the night until I was so tired that I knew I would fall right to sleep when my head hit the pillow, no sense in laying there “thinking,” but my sleep was fitful and I awoke not feeling rested at all.

As I write this, I have been secluded in my room all day, forcing myself to deal with and try and resolve these things that are currently troubling me so.  It’s well into the afternoon and I haven’t even had anything to eat yet today.  I suppose it might help to eat something, but I’m too bothered to eat.  Maybe the problem here is that I’m just being too up inside of my head.  I was trying to blame hormones or the new moon the other night for the imbalance of my emotions lately, but heck maybe it’s just a simple matter of lack of sex, hah yeah that’s it!  That’s a whole other issue completely.  Ah geez I should probably end this before I really embarrass myself.

Well, wish me luck on this fricken miserable roller coaster ride I’m on at the moment.  I’m sure I’ll snap out of it eventually ~I’m almost out of ride tickets.  😉