Of Flowers And Chocolate Messes

Well, I think I did a pretty good job of staying positive and not giving into my worries yesterday.  Shortly after my post, I got the idea of going to the little local farmer’s market down the street.  I didn’t really need any veggies (if you’ve been here with me a while you know I already have quite a few of my own things growing here in my tiny garden), but I thought I’d go take a peek to see what they had anyway.  And besides, going there is just a festive thing that I enjoy doing sometimes on Saturday mornings during the growing season.

Mainly though, I was sort of thinking about picking up a bundle of fresh-cut flowers there.  One thing I like to do for myself when I’m feeling a bit low is buy myself fresh flowers.  I don’t do it very often, it’s a bit of an indulgence that I can’t always rationalize spending the money for, especially when finances are tight, but the fresh flowers they have at the farmer’s market are very reasonably priced.

Plus, they’re gorgeous!  See…

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And this bright pink Zinnia was just begging for a close-up…

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So lovely.  ♥

~

Sadly though, they’ve wilted quite a bit already and I’m really disappointed.  That’s the thing about flowers… once you pick them, they start to die.  😦

Bringing me to this morning’s mood…

Death.

Just kidding.

It’s just that I’m still struggling here with things.  I’ve been sitting here thinking “How the heck can a person have such a contrast of conflicting emotions inside?”  Cracking jokes one moment and then crying the next.  I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde!  Is it hormones, the waning moon?  Calgon take me away!  I did buy myself some wonderful handmade lavender soap at the farmer’s market yesterday, so maybe I need to just go and take a good long soak…

But unfortunately aromatic baths and fresh cut flowers are only temporary remedies and can’t fix the deeper issues going on inside.  *Sigh*

The thing is… I know all the right stuff to tell myself (and do, like buying the flowers for instance), but sometimes I feel like I’m just full of crap with all my sappy, feel good, mumbo jumbo rhetoric.  I pride myself on always keeping it real, always being honest with myself and with others, but sometimes, the fact of the matter is… I’m really hurting inside, and I cover it up.  I say it’s because I never want to be a downer to others, and that’s very true, but it’s also because I’m a bit embarrassed to admit it.  And I’m embarrassed to admit that.  I sincerely do have so much in my life to be thankful for.  I mean, I really, really do.  And so sometimes when I’m feeling down, I feel guilty, like I’m not appreciating all my blessings, or that I’m feeling sorry for myself.

Then I tell myself to stop over-analyzing everything and just fricken settle down.  Go pray, go putz around in the garden, listen to some music (take a lavender bath) etc.  But the problem with that is then I’m not really ‘dealing’ with whatever it is that’s bothering me.  Well, I sort of am by praying, but the rest of it is just stuff to soothe me.  Don’t get me wrong though, we need those soothing coping mechanisms, to do whatever it takes to calm us ~ sometimes they make all the difference and help so that we can approach the things that are bothering us more rationally.  And I truly believe that.

But gosh this is just so hard.  I’m hurting and I’m frustrated, the things that are bothering me right now are things I have absolutely no control over, and I’m having a really difficult time with it all.   I can’t seem to find the solution, and I feel like I’m fumbling around in the dark looking for the Light switch.

But yeah, so anyway…

I’m feeling like a bit of an emotional chocolate mess here.

So now… whether to actually post this or not, to risk being a downer, to risk exposing this part of myself?  I should probably just stick with my gardening posts.

Ah what the heck…

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16 responses to “Of Flowers And Chocolate Messes

  1. I don’t think its unusual to be overwhelmed by things sometimes even if you do have a lot of blessings in your life. You’re bright and articulate. Eventually you will figure things out and in the meantime all those other things your doing are helping through until you do figure it out. Maybe next you should try your favorite Dairy Queen Treat. 😉

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    • Thanks so much for the encouragement Cher! ♥ Dairy Queen sounds like a great idea, but do you know who’s ‘ice cream’ I really love? Culver’s frozen custard! Maybe next time we get together for coffee we should get ice cream instead. 😉

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  2. I am a great believer in fresh flowers are a great pick me up … and they don’t add any inches to one’s waist! Have cheer!

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  3. Those are beautiful flowers! Praying things will turn up for you soon!

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    • Well, they were, poor things are all completely wilted now. I really expected them to last longer, but I did enjoy them even for that brief time. Thanks for the prayers Nancy, I sincerely appreciate that! ♥

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  4. Sometimes it is alright to not have the answer; that is the reason we invented lavender soap, chocolate, and best friends.

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    • Yes, and I could really go for walking through some lavender fields right now. While eating chocolate. With my best friend. 😉 You’re so fortunate being there in Seattle and only a ferry ride and a short drive away from Sequim ~ they have the most amazing lavender fields there…

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  5. Love that last flower.

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  6. Hello again Julie! I love the flowers, just absolutely LOVE them! As for your gooey emotions (rather like a lot of ours!!!) you might want to explore them through the work of Byron Katie. Its such gentle, beautiful exploration, and makes you see things you might not otherwise have seen, and you don’t have to struggle against emerging blues. Have a read, or listen. The video ‘Turn It Around’ in full version is really wonderful if you can find it online. Its free in her store.

    http://www.thework.com/index.php

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    • Hi there Yaz, thanks I loved them too (while they lasted ;)). That was a great quote by Byron Katie you had in your last post, she sounds like a very wise woman indeed. I’ll be sure to check out the link you listed, thanks so much Yaz! ♥

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  7. Beautiful flowers, Julie, I’m sure they’re long gone now as I’m late to your post. These days will always come, I think, when you have some really difficult issues around you and are coping with very sad events and circumstances. It then becomes about how long you stay there and how deep you let yourself fall. When we keep revisitng painful things it is often the mind’s way of processing and assimilating, so, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. I like the approach of mindfulness meditation. Hoping today is a better day for you and sending a big hug from the UK. Love, Ruth xx

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    • Thanks Ruth. Yes, and sadly they were gone almost right away, but I did enjoy them. 🙂 You are absolutely right in saying “it becomes about how long you stay there and how deep you let yourself fall.” Today is better for me, thanks! I stayed up a bit later than usual last night to try and catch the meteor shower, but it was cloudy here. 😦 But then I slept in this morning which was lovely, and now I’m enjoying my quiet time out in the garden. Hope you are doing well over there, Ruth.x Thanks so much for the encouragement, and the big hug! One is coming right back atcha. 😀 Sincerely. And sending much love over there to you too! ♥

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  8. ‘Don’t get me wrong thoguh . . .’

    Who is ‘thoguh’?

    o_O

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