Category Archives: Emotions

Hurts, Regrets n’ Stuff

That moment when you’re left scratching your head and wondering… “What was I thinking?”

Apparently I wasn’t, is my realization.  “Live and learn” the saying goes.  One would think that I’ve learned darn plenty in all of these 46 years and be much wiser by now, but I guess not.

What it comes down to is…  when the heart is involved… sometimes the head isn’t.  I’ve always thought that I had a pretty good balance between the two ~ and I guess I still do think that, for the most part.  Just having some regrets right now and wishing I hadn’t let my heart get broken.  Picking up the pieces afterward sucks real hard.

When you open your heart to someone there is always a risk of it getting hurt.  Hurt hurts and makes me want to close it up tight to protect it.  And there is something to be said for “guarding your heart.”  Tried to do that.  Failed.  I don’t know how else to live than with a wide open heart.

I probably just need to not trust so easily.  I’m usually pretty good at reading people, but at the same time I always give them the benefit of the doubt and try to believe that they are who they show themselves to be.  Maybe that’s just being naive.  I live my life being as authentic and real as I can (without totally embarrassing myself) and I guess I just expect others are trying to do the same.  It’s so disappointing to realize otherwise.

I wish I had something encouraging and inspirational to tell myself right now.  But yeah… I got nothin’.

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Guess I can occupy myself with other things like… gardening!  My therapy.  I’m going to attempt building an A-frame trellis of sorts for growing my cucumbers on.  I’ll get to use my new staple gun again.  Yeah, shooting staples ought to do the trick.  There is something to be said for keeping yourself busy doing things that you enjoy.  Wish it wasn’t so cold out, but at least the sun is shinning.  Soaking up some vitamin D should help fix me up too…

These Darn Emotions

It’s probably better if I just steer clear of blogging when I’m in a mood, but writing usually helps me work things out, so here I am.  Nothing like working it out in public for all the world to see.  Oh well, I’ve never been much of a private person.  Take me or leave me.  Judge me if you will, but all I want is to be real.  I’ve never been good at faking it.

I just hate it when I’m like this ~ a bundle of worries, frustration, and negativity.  I’m much happier when I’m happier.  No duh!  (Heh, I haven’t used that expression in ages).  I can’t even blame my hormones this time.  So what gives?!  (Oh, there’s another ancient phrase).  Guess I’m just chock full of out-dated little gems today.

Here’s the most frustrating part of this thing… I know what to do when I’m like this.  But I don’t feel like doing it.  I feel like being negative, sarcastic, and cynical.  I feel like ranting and raging about all that vexes me.  I feel like punching something or someone.  And I’m not a violent person.  Wait!  There it is!  That’s it.  I found it!  That’s what’s really bothering.  Oh it’s so good to get to the heart of the matter isn’t it?!  See, I knew writing would help.  Someone has hurt me.  Not exactly a newsflash, but I realize I’m turning that hurt into anger.  I’m just so sick of hurting.  Oh man am I ever sick of it.  It’s really starting to tick me off.  Gosh!

It’s okay to be angry when someone hurts you, but what in the world am I supposed to do with this anger?  The person who hurt me is too far away to punch in the face.  Not that I would really even do that.  I can dream about it though.  Hah!  No, when it comes down to it, I think the bigger issue here is that I’m angry with myself.  Angry that I opened up my heart and allowed myself to get hurt, when I should have known better.  Angry that I’m still holding onto hope that things will change, when it’s clear that it won’t.  Angry that I feel so fricken pathetic!

If only life was more like a movie… we’d all get our happy endings. </3

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So what now?  I’ve realized what’s going on, but still don’t know what to do with this anger…

Maybe watching this might help ~ it’s one of my favorites.  And since I seem to be on a roll with punching…

Eh, didn’t really do much for me this time.  Hopefully ya’ll enjoyed it though.  But see… I am trying to snap myself out of this mood.  Guess I just have to feel this way until… I don’t anymore.  Yeah, that’s real enlightening ~ “until I don’t anymore.”  Sheesh!   In the meantime I should probably just crawl under a rock so I don’t do/say anything I’ll regret.  Already regretting posting this.

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This rock looks as comfy as any other for crawling under…

P.M.S. = P.robable M.entally-unstable S.ituation

Ah hormones.  Gotta love em!  I don’t know about you, but sometimes these perfectly natural/normal occurring microscopic little chemicals that are periodically released into my system make me feel as if I’m literally going insane!  A real mental case.  If there was ever a time I could actually bring myself to physically injure another human being it would be during that blissful time called P.M.S.

I’m sure there are those rare and blessed women who are lucky enough not to endure such difficulties ~ I wish I was one of them, but I’ve noticed that it’s only gotten worse as I’ve gotten older ~ along with everything else…

I find it’s best to avoid all human contact as much as possible during this time.  This includes trying to blog about anything even remotely productive.  Heck, my “Stinkin’ Thinkin'” post barely scratches the surface of the types of explosive thoughts/emotions that can come along during this time in a woman’s monthly cycle.  We’re talking down right terrifying!  Yes, it’s definitely a good move to avoid people at all costs.  That way you are less likely incur any serious fallout from the things you may say or do while under such tremendous duress.

I’ve also found that it’s also best not to make any major life decisions or confront any long standing problems/issues you may have with others during this time, otherwise regret is inevitable ~ I’ve learned this the hard way…

Over time, those closest to me have learned when to stay away, but that’s not always possible, so unfortunately sometimes there are a few casualties left in my wake.  😦

I wish I had some positive bit of advice or remedy beyond just merely avoiding people, but I really don’t.  Just thought I’d write about this because it’s the reason I haven’t posted anything in the past week and a half.  I’ve sort of been incognito.  You know… hiding… so as not to cause anyone bodily harm.  😉

Oh there are probably resources out there on ways to reduce the intensity of the symptoms of P.M.S., but I don’t feel like researching them for you.  However, I will say that chocolate, salty snacks and lavender can work wonders though…

Have a nice day!  And learn when to stay away.  😉

Stinkin’ Thinkin’

“Has this ever happened to you?” 

You’re just going along on your merry way.  You’re doing your best to live each day with meaning and joy, when all of the sudden these thoughts start coming in and begin invading your mind with all sorts of negative and depressing things. Sucking the very life and light right out of you and sending you down into that dark place that’s cold and empty and filled with despair and hopelessness.

I know that’s quite a dramatic description, but you get my meaning…

It’s actually not really an “all of the sudden,” it’s usually more of a gradual process.

Our minds, and our way of thinking, literally have the power to shape our lives.  And it not only affects our mental health, but can also have a huge impact on our physical health as well.

In general, I am a happy and positive person ~ an optimist, if you will.  Not in a sickeningly way (at least I hope not to those who have to be around me on a regular basis), but I usually seem to have a cheerful attitude and the ability to “look at the bright-side” on most occasions.

But there are times when I get that stinkin’ thinkin’ and find myself feeling quite dismal.  And somehow it seems to multiply and accumulate like a snowball rolling down a hill.

Depending on what may be going on in my life at the present moment and/or even where I’m at in my hormonal cycle, the intensity of these thoughts varies.  But oh boy it is not fun…

During those times I want to shout curses at all of positive and disillusioned dreamers out there.  I hate every love song that comes on the radio and want to bash the tv in when anything comes on that is feel-good or romantic.  It’s all such a crock!  And if you are one of the dear friends who dares to try and say anything even remotely positive to me I will eat your face off and spit out the pieces.

Scary huh?  Yep.  And that’s not the real me at all.  But this is what happens when we give ourselves over to the dark side of the force and get into that stinkin’ way of thinkin.’

Don’t get me wrong… you gotta be real.  You gotta let your emotions run their course and go through your process when you’re dealing with a particular life issue.  But… you also have to be cautious.  Those darn emotions can sometimes run a muck.

“A muck a muck a muck.”

Sorry for the distraction there, but that’s how my brain operates.  😀  Everything reminds me of a song, a movie, or a tv commercial etc.

Anyways, moving right along…

We have to be careful not to let our emotions and/or even more importantly… our thoughts, run a muck.  We can allow ourselves to go there, but must not stay there.  And that can be a very delicate balancing act…

One of which I failed on this New Year’s.  I was feeling melancholy and sat and thought about all of the horrible, hurtful things that happened to me in 2011 instead of focusing on all of the wonderful, beautiful things in my life to be thankful for.  I had little glimpses of  things I was grateful for ~ simple things like just having a reliable and completely paid for vehicle to drive as my daughter and I were heading out to have a special New Year’s dinner at our favorite restaurant.  But then I let the stinkin’ thinkin’ come in and thought “Yeah, but I wonder how long it’ll keep being reliable.  And how will I be able to afford any repairs that it might need down the road.”  Those dang negative ‘what ifs’ will steal your joy and sense of peace every time…

Oh, but I had every valid reason to think those thoughts though.  I have lost so much and it seems like I just keep having more things taken away from me, so why not have car problems next?   See… it’s like we feel we’re entitled to think that way.  Watch out!  Run!  It’s a trap!   “Danger Will Robinson!”

If you stay there too long, you’ll get stuck there and before you even realize it those negative thoughts will be what comes naturally to mind.  And it will continue to grow… like a cancer, until you find yourself a very miserable, unhappy person.  But hey you’re entitled right?

I don’t know about you, but I want to be happy.  And being happy starts with your frame of mind.  It’s a choice.  I’m reminded of a quote here…

“Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be.”                      ~ Abraham Lincoln

Here’s another…

“You don’t go to find meaning in life, you bring meaning to your life.  Meaning isn’t something out there waiting for you to discover. The meaning of your life is what you infuse it with – beauty or ugliness, happiness or sadness. It is totally your choice.”

I don’t know who said that last quote, but it’s such a good one.  Meaning of life is what we infuse it with…

So it seems fitting that as I enter a new year ~ that I try to make good choices in what I infuse my life with, and no more of that stinkin’ thinkin’.

Ranting Ramblings

Oh boy some things really get me riled up!  Wanna know what they are?  Keep reading…

First let me start by saying that I like controversial subjects.  I like thinking about, discussing, and considering other points of view that are contrary to my own.  I’m not afraid.  Questioning is good.  I’ve got a brain and I’m not afraid to use it!  Challenging my own views and beliefs only serves to help me grow as a human being ~ intellectually & spiritually.  I like learning and I realize that I don’t know all the answers.  And if any of you think you do… I hate to break it to ya, but you are gravely mistaken my friends…

Aren’t we all just on this earth together exploring and learning as we go along?  Using our five senses to experience the world around us…analyzing and weighing it all out…using our brains, using our intuition, and hopefully using some fricken common sense.

Having said that…

But don’t judge me!  Don’t label me!  Don’t mock me!  And don’t condescend to me!  Don’t attack my beliefs because you don’t agree with them or because you think they’re foolishness!  And don’t let the actions of others that are of the same beliefs as mine dictate your opinion of me!  I am an individual!

This is the cry of all of our hearts because each one of us innately knows the injustice of being viewed and/or treated like that…

And it doesn’t much matter what our beliefs are or which side of any particular debate we’re on… it’s fricken wrong people!  You want respect?  Give it!  You want to be heard?  Listen!  Open your mind and your heart to the possibility that the other person very well just may have a valid point.  I don’t care how right you may think you are ~ you don’t know everything.

I get it… people are angry.  Many evil deeds have been done in the name of religion.  Last time I checked… we humans… are screwed up!  ALL of us.  Can’t we just get along?!  Come on we can do better than this…

Whether it’s pride… or fear… let it go.  All it’s going to do it drive you farther away from the truth.

Oh and there it is!  That’s the real biggy often at issue here isn’t it?  What is the truth?  Is the truth that which can only be based on the facts?  But what do we use the weigh those facts?  Are the facts merely what it is that we perceive them to be?  That right there is a humongous can of worms for ya’ll.   😉  Good luck figuring that one out!  I like it though ~ it makes me wonder, makes me think, makes me want to explore the possibilities and try and find out!

Some things we’ll never have the answers to.  We can go around and around, but there is just no way to really know for sure.

Guess that’s where faith comes in.

And therein lies the reason for my ranting today.  I have a faith.  I am a Christian.  And I don’t want to be judged by others because of it ~ any more than an atheist wants to be judged for their disbelief in a God, or anyone else of any other type of belief system wants to be either…

RAWR!

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And ~ just because I like this song…