Welcome June

Each morning as I sit down with my coffee and pick up my gratitude journal to write, the first thing I write down is the date.  Dates often evoke certain memories in me.  Does this ever happen to you?  Earlier this morning as I wrote June 1st, 2019, my first thought was “Welcome June!”  I love the beginning of a new month, and I love the month of June!

Here in Minnesota, June typically means that the danger of frost has indeed passed and gardening season truly gets underway.  The temps warm up, but it’s usually not quite up to the harsh heat and humidity of summer yet.  It’s like October in reverse, when the temps begin to cool, but not yet to the point of a hard frost and the days are still warm and sunny.  Not to mention, October is when the leaves start changing. Yep… October and June are my favorite months out of the year.  And September and May are close behind.  But sometimes September is still too hot and May is still too cold.  But May is a freaking bloomfest, so it’s okay that it’s still a bit cold.  I actually don’t mind the cold.  Maybe my favorite months are October and May, but I love June too.  Anyways, I’m rambling now…

Right after I had my “Welcome June!” thought, my very next thought was “June 3rd of this year would have been my 30th wedding anniversary.”  Ugh, didn’t want to go there.  Especially since I’m about to write in my gratitude journal.  But I decided to stop there and allow myself to ponder, to check in with myself and allow whatever emotions to arise.  Needless to say, there were a wide range of emotions, even with it being nearly 10 years since we split …

I’m not going to exhaust myself or bother you in relaying all of them, but I did want to share a text I got from my sister when I shared with her about it, because although it was just a simple thing she said, it felt quite profound to me and it was a good reminder.

Just for a bit of background… The 8:05 I have at the beginning of my text to her is a weird thing between my sister and I.  Usually it’s at 8:14 or 11:27 – our birthday dates that we’ll send a text to each other.  I don’t know why we do it, it’s just a thing we do if we happen to notice the time on the clock.  I almost always get a text from her at 8:14 in the morning, and you’ll notice her reply is at 8:15.  I guarantee you that she picked up her phone at 8:14 to text me, when she saw my text at 8:05 and then it took her a minute to type.  Speaking of the 8:05, once in a while we’ll still put the time at the beginning of other texts for no reason, just to be extra weird…

What I love the most is the end of her text – “Wait, it’s only June 1st, it sounds like you are in the past and the future at the same time… please join me in the present.”  Gosh you guys, how often do we do that?  Seriously!  Still!  Even though we know that the present is where to live and be.  I’m constantly grounding myself in the present moment.

But the mind… it’s always going isn’t it?  And we need our minds.  Haha oh God knows we do!  And I’m thankful for my mind.  I’m thankful it works properly.  And that is not to be taken for granted – some people’s minds don’t work properly, and they suffer so.  Sometimes we can cause ourselves a different type of suffering too, by allowing our minds to transport us into the past or the future and then lingering there too long.

Do you know what I’m realizing right now though that was kinda cool about all this too?  When I said that I allowed myself to ponder, to check in with myself and allow whatever emotions to arise… I was actually more of an observer this time.  And that’s the key!  I’ve heard/read many times that we should allow these things (our emotions/thoughts) to arise, but to be an observer of them.  And that is actually more of how this was.  I am not usually an observer of my emotions, I usually feel every. single. one.  Omygosh am I evolving?  Or maybe it was the text from my sister that snapped me out of it haha!  😉

When I came back to the present moment I noticed a Catbird mewing.  There is this one Catbird who always comes around and kinda sounds like its saying my name… “Jewy, Jewy.”  Sounds like Julie to me.  So then I sent this and my sister, who also has Catbirds at her place too…

I truly lol’d at that last bit!  For a good couple of minutes afterward too!  I love my sister’s sense of humor!  It matches my own!  I’m giggling now…

Maybe that can be a reminder… whenever I heard a Catbird saying my name I can check in with myself and make sure I’m staying in the present moment…

Birds all over the world are calling my name right now!  Hahahaha!

 

Welcome June!  🌼  Here’s to staying in the present…

 

 

 

✿~Peace & Love~✿

 

Soul Mates

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the idea of soul mates.  Several different life events, things I’ve read, and even movies I’ve watched have sparked a deeper contemplation on the subject.

And after all of that contemplation and wondering about it I still don’t really know what to think.  But I like the idea of it.

I’m a die hard romantic and dreamer at heart, but I also have a practical, logical side to me as well, so those two extremes are always battling it out and waging a war in my mind about all sorts of life’s questions.  There is a part of me that desperately wants and needs to know the answers, but the other part says “Hush now, you don’t have to have it all figured out, just live and enjoy the moment.”

At my core I’m predominantly a very spiritual person so I have a tendency to over spiritualize everything.  There is even an ongoing inside joke that I have with my sister about it.  But I can’t help it, when it comes down to it, I just truly believe that we are spiritual beings having a human experience in this world and so everything that happens in our lives has spiritual significance.

I realize that people have all differing thoughts and beliefs on matters of spirituality, and I’m not wanting to debate about any of that right now, I only bring it up in reference to the idea of soul mates.

When I met and married my former husband, I never really felt that he was my “soul mate” so to speak, but at the time I sincerely felt that he was the one, and I have zero doubt that relationship was “meant to be.”  There is simply no other way to look at it.  Do I have regrets?  Heck yeah.  Did I make mistakes?  You know it.   But in the end, everything that happens to us, every choice we make, plays a part in the grand scheme of our lives.  We experience and learn and grow and become.  I had intended on spending my entire life with that man, I had made a vow and a commitment to him and I loved him, but after 20 years he decided to leave.  I’ll refrain from sharing all the gory details and my various speculations of the reasons for that, and simply conclude that something major was missing in that relationship, and I believe it was that deeper sense of intimacy, that soul type of connection with each other.

I know that sometimes people just aren’t really able to let others in, to freely give of themselves, to fully open up and allow another person into that sacred part of themselves.  We all have so many fears, insecurities, and inhibitions, and it’s hard to trust others with our innermost secrets.  But we all long for that though, don’t we?  To have an intimate and deeper connection with another person in that way, someone we can be our true self with, someone who fills that empty space ~ that other half of our self.  Unless I’m the only one…?

Maybe I’ve been pre-programed somewhere along the way to believe I’m not already complete within my own self, that I need another, a mate, to fill and complete me.  My relationships with family and friends, my connections with other people, my pets, nature, various hobbies, activities and interests that I explore, all fill a part.   And I know that ultimately my relationship with God should be the relationship to complete me.  But I simply can’t deny there still seems to be something “missing” in my life.  Is it my soul mate?  Is there really such a thing?  I hope so.

Maybe I’m naive.  Maybe I’ve read too many stories, watched too many movies.  Maybe I’m just weird.  Maybe I’ve had too much coffee.  Maybe I shouldn’t even post this.  Maybe I’ll delete it later.  Maybe I’ll just head out to my garden now…

Loss & Freedom: The Things Divorce is Made of…

It was one year ago today that my divorce became finalized.  Lets see if I am able to formulate some cognitive thought as to how I am feeling about this…

Lets start this out with a video shall we…

I’m not a fan of country music, but I love this video!  It makes me feel really good to watching it.  However, my divorce went nothing like this.  I did the exact opposite of the woman portrayed here.  I played fair.  I did my best to behave in a reasonable, respectful, non-hateful way.  Although, I wouldn’t be completely honest if I didn’t admit… at times my inner evil twin did entertain a few fantasies of throwing all of his personal belongings out in the snow and taking him for all he was worth.

In looking back, I find it truly remarkable that even while going through the extreme turmoil that I was in at the time, I conducted myself in a way I can sincerely feel good about.  I didn’t stoop.  I didn’t get ugly.  I wasn’t driven by anger and I didn’t try to hurt him back or punish him.  But don’t be mistaken… I didn’t just roll over either.  Yes, there were a few things I wish I would have done differently or held out for when looking at the final papers, but in the end I really feel like it all turned out as it was supposed to.

I want to live my life with as few regrets as possible, so I try really hard to always be aware of what I’m doing and why I’m doing it,  what my motives are and do they come from the right attitude.

Well just what exactly is the right attitude when going through a divorce?  It’s hard to even begin to describe the myriad of emotions that I went through ~ they were all over the board and ranged from zero to infinity in their intensity.  It was a nightmare of a roller coaster ride to be sure.  I guess to me, the right attitude would be one where you are conducting yourself and behaving in a way that is being true to who you are ~ aside from the emotions you may be feeling about the immediate set of circumstances you find yourself in.  All along the way as each thing came up during the process, I had to decide how I was going to respond/react and thought about what was truly going to help me come out of this feeling good about myself.

That’s not to say I didn’t get real good and angry and I’m sure that I still have some resentment and bitterness issues that I will have to work through eventually.  There’s no telling yet ultimately just how much this experience has affected me and my outlook on life and on how I will view romantic relationships going forward.  I was married for 21 years for crying out loud, I’m not so naive to think that there isn’t going to be some serious negative residual effects from the betrayal and loss of what I thought was to be a lifelong commitment.

But I would imagine that divorce is different for everyone.  There are so many variables.  One thing that I’m very glad that I didn’t have to deal with were any custody issues as many others have to go through.  My daughter was 18 by the time it was all coming down.  He planned it that way…   so he wouldn’t be responsible for helping provide any sort of ongoing financial support for her.  Which he hasn’t, of course.  He has also chosen not to continue any sort of relationship with her.  His loss.  She is such a beautiful and talented, delightful young lady.  And he’s a stupid fricken idiot for not realizing or appreciating that… Yeah, I’m sure you can hear some of that bitterness I mentioned earlier in those words.  Well I’m sorry, but I won’t try to hide the fact that I am extremely disappointed in him for just up and abandoning his daughter.  There is no excuse for that.  Doesn’t matter that she was 18, she’s his daughter and deserves better than that…

In the end, for myself… I have to say that I am just very relieved to be free from that relationship.  He definitely wasn’t the man I thought I married.  I’m sure that’s a common feeling after a divorce.  I wonder… do people really actually change or do they just revert back to their real selves after they can’t keep up the facade any longer?  I know that I did my best to make it work and remained true to the vows I made.

Now… I’m just profoundly glad to be free.

To be free just to be myself again.  What does that even mean?  “Free to be me.”  It sounds so sappy and cliche’ doesn’t it?  Well as you can imagine, spending 21 years focused on being a wife and mother, taking care of your home and working, you get a bit caught up in your roles.   And you don’t realize it while it’s happening, but you let those roles define who you are.

I remember times over the years when I would fly out to Seattle to visit my sis.  I’d usually spend about a week there at a time ~ without my husband or my daughter.  Just hanging out, doing whatever, whenever.  It felt so refreshing to just… be.   To not be anyone’s wife or mother or employee, just myself.  My sister is a bit of a free spirit too so of course we usually just fluttered around like leaves in the wind adventuring off to wherever that wind blew us.  Such precious, cherished times we had together.  ♥

I would always come home totally renewed and feeling positively energized ~ ready to meet life and to be all that I was meant to be.  And guess what?  My ex hated it.  He resented me for having that free time and was threatened by my new sense of purpose.  He would immediately start trying to tear me down.  To make me feel bad for being away ~ that it was selfish of me.  He didn’t realize that those times away only served to help make me an even better wife ~ because in being free to be myself, I would be happier in performing in my roles and in turn become better at them.  But he had to keep me under his thumb and make sure that I knew my place… and that he was in charge.  He was a very controlling and domineering person and it is of that I am truly grateful to be free from.

The dissolution of my marriage a year ago was a horrible ordeal.  It left me feeling lost and unsure of myself.  Even now I find that I’m still more than a just a little apprehensive ~ especially about my financial future.  But I’m also starting to feel some excitement to discover what’s next for me.  I’ve still got a lot to work through.  Heck we all do!  But I know deep down… without a doubt…  that I’m going to be okay.  ♥

~

~

Reflections & Resolutions

So a new year is right around the corner here and I’ve got a lot on my mind as it approaches.  Things past, things present, and things yet to come are all converging at once and simultaneously scrambling around in my head at the moment.  It’s gettin’ kinda crowded in there and I’m tempted to try and lock it all away behind a firewall of sorts somewhere within the depths of my brain.

Ordinarily I do more of a “New Year’s resolution” type thing around my birthday time.  I figure that’s really when a new year of my life begins ~ not the calendar year, but I still find myself contemplating life along with everyone else during this time of the year…

The past few years have been some of the most difficult of my life so far and there were times when I didn’t know how I was even going to continue on.  Hopeless, seemingly helpless, and dark times where it was hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  But by living one moment at a time, simply concentrating on breathing in and out, and taking one step and then another, I got through it ~ along with a lot of support and encouragement from good friends and precious family, the companionship and comfort of my furry pets, and my faith in God.

~

But in just reflecting on the calendar year of 2011…

January began with the dissolution of my 21 year marriage as my divorce became final after over a year of horrendous upheaval and turmoil.  I know that divorce is common in our society these days, but what I went through was anything but “common” to me.  Such hurt, betrayal and regret.  I’m sure at some point I will blog about that whole process in more detail, but right now all I will say is that although my heart is still a bit bruised and battered ~ I am profoundly grateful to be free from that relationship.  And… that I’m doing okay.

In February I met someone new.  Yeah, I know… a month is hardly enough time to wait in between a tumultuous divorce and entering into a new relationship, but I didn’t mean for it to happen and believe me… I resisted.  But he was very persistent and before I knew it he had sneaked his way fully into my heart .  Also, I must confess that after feeling abandoned and discarded by my husband it just felt so darn good to be pursued and wanted.  And not only was this new guy the exact polar opposite of my ex, but he seemingly adored everything about me ~ even the things my ex had hated and complained about.  I fell hard.  Real hard.  And I am still not over the break-up of that relationship which was just this past October.

As I’ve mentioned in earlier posts, my Dad passed away this past June after a valiant fight against colon cancer.  The pain and loss I have experienced through that and getting through the holidays has been especially difficult for me.

~

But now the holidays are over.  Well not quite… New Years is here now = reason for this post.

Ever since the realization of my impending divorce began, I have been trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.  I didn’t have a career during my marriage because my focus was on raising our daughter, being a good wife, and taking care of my home.  I worked at my daughter’s school for 11 years and loved every minute of it.  Well… not every minute, but I enjoyed it very much and cherish the relationships I built during my time there.   It wasn’t just a job to me and I felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be.  But in June of 2010, I was let go along with 20 or so other people as the school did some restructuring and cutting back.  So not only was I in the middle losing my marriage, but I had lost a job that I loved and a strong connection with a community that had grown to be like an extended family to me.

I knew in getting divorced that I was going to have to eventually find a different job that would support me financially, but I had also hoped that maybe I could stay working at the school and collect spousal maintenance until I figured out what to do next.  Maybe take some classes in this or that to try and rediscover my interests.  Up to that point my life had just been so wrapped up in being a wife and a mom that I hadn’t really given much thought to anything else.

Thankfully I am receiving some spousal maintenance, but the amount I’m getting will soon be drastically reduced and here I sit ~ jobless and still without a clue of which path to take.

So as this new year approaches I guess one of my top resolutions should/will be to really dig into the depths of my heart and mind and try and figure it all out huh?

That along with… eating healthier, taking better care of myself and a myriad of other things I want to change and/or improve in my life…  😉  I’m sure you can relate.

Out of curiosity I decided to Google the top ten new year’s resolutions and was not surprised to find they were:

1.  Spend more time with family & friends

2.  Make time for fitness

3.  Tame the bulge

4.  Quit smoking

5.  Enjoy life more

6.  Quit drinking

7.  Get out of debt

8.  Learn something new

9.  Help others

10.  Get organized

Sounds good to me.  And you know… 2012 is supposedly the end of the line, so we had better make the most of it!