Tag Archives: emotions

A Little Bit

 

It takes a bit of sunshine

and a little bit of rain

It takes a bit of joy

and a little bit of pain

It takes a bit of rest

and a little bit of strain

For the garden of the heart to grow

 

© Julie Rehnelt 2015

DSCF5454a1

~

I really don’t enjoy the rain, pain, and strain parts, but they truly are a necessary part of any garden’s good growth.

I hope the garden of your heart is growing in good health today, and is filled with…

 

 

✿~Peace & Love~✿

Peace and Love 1

You Make Me Blush

 

At your touch

I feel the heat rise to my face

my cheeks turn pink

and my heart begins to race.

 

Hot flashes, you make me blush.

 

Oh, sorry… were you expecting I was referring to something else?  I wish I was. 😉

 

DSCF5140a1

 

Yeah, so here I am, just going along my merry way, when all of a sudden BAM… I’m having hot flashes.  Noooo, I’m way too young for this!  Well, technically speaking, I suppose I’m right about at the age where this begins to happen – I’ll be 50 this summer.  But because I’m so young at heart, it just doesn’t seem right, I’m not ready to go through this yet.

But ready or not, here it comes… another hot flash.  😉

It does help explain a lot though in regard to the emotional fluctuations I’ve been experiencing lately – damn hormones are really throwing me off balance.  I’m up… then I’m down, I’m laughing… then I’m crying, I’m happy… then I’m sad.  Please bear with me, as my posts are likely to reflect a bit of that, hopefully you don’t get whiplash from all of the back and forth (e)motion.

Good thing gardening season is just around the corner.  My therapy.  And as you can see from the photo, I’ve got a lovely head start on that in buying myself some pretty, pink Gerbera daisies to plant once the weather warms up a bit more.  Until then I’ll enjoy having them indoors, ‘blushing’ right along with me.

I’ve also got a spot reserved for a free online cooking workshop this weekend called “How to Use Food to Rebalance Your Hormones.”  I already eat healthy, but now with the Big M looming on the horizon, I’m looking for some natural ways to help balance my hormones and ease this process.  I’m a huge believer in “Let food be thy medicine, and medicine be thy food,” so maybe this will be a help.  I hope so, because although I don’t mind blushing for a good reason, having these hot flashes isn’t any fun.

But either way, if I learn any fun, new, yummy recipes I’ll be sure to share them.

May your day be filled with fun and yummy things, and with…

 

 

✿~Peace & Love~✿

Peace and Love 1

Sometimes Shadows

 

Sometimes shadows

fall over my heart

and into my mind.

 

© Julie Rehnelt 2015

DSCF5024a

 

It’s one of those days…

 

The good news is – if there’s a shadow, then there is surely light too.

Wishing you light today, and…

 

 

✿~Peace & Love~✿

Peace and Love 1

Sunday Meditations

I awoke this morning feeling very unsettled.  Almost instantly, my mind began swimming around in the thick murky waters of worry and dread.  This doesn’t happen too often, but when it does, it hits me like a ton of bricks.

As I went through the motions of my regular waking routine – put coffee on, feed cats etc., I could feel my thoughts going over to the ‘dark side of the force,’ churning and mulling over all of the ‘what if’ scenarios of calamity and destruction.  Like I said, this doesn’t happen very often, I normally wake up feeling quite peaceful and content, so that was a bit alarming to me too because it made me wonder if maybe I was psychically picking up on some real and actual impending doom – I’m forever over-spiritualizing everything.  But then rationality kicked in and I was able to calm myself.

I took a deep breath, poured my coffee, and headed back into my bedroom for my other ‘regular waking routine.’  I don’t know if I’ve shared this here before, but every morning shortly after I wake up, I spend about an hour in prayer and meditation.  The first thing I do is light an incense match, and as it burns, I speak only of all of the things that I am thankful for.  Then I take it one step further and write down one of those things in a special journal I have.  And I meditate on that one thing, breathing in and out, allowing that full sense of gratitude to wash over me.  Then I spend some time just looking out the window, watching the sun come up while I’m sipping on my coffee.  Then I pray, and listen.  I also spend time reading out of a little daily devotional book entitled “Jesus Calling,” it’s sooooo good, and it sets me exactly right every time.  Interestingly, I happened to read the wrong day’s meditation today, but it was so spot on with what was happening with my thoughts earlier this morning, the first sentence said… “Trust and thankfulness will get you safely through this day…”  The thankfulness part is no problem, but sometimes I struggle a bit with the trust part.

What was happening with my thoughts when I first awoke was that I was worrying about the future.  Something had happened the night before that frightened me a bit, and I was getting all up in my head about all of the potential ‘what ifs’ of the future.  Look out, it’s a trap!  Staying in the present moment is so key, and I know this, I practice this, but I still find myself going around and around in my head about things sometimes.  The reason it’s so key for me to stay in the present moment is because that is where I find, well, sooo many things, but here today it’s where I find the ‘trust’ part – when I focus on the present moment, I see that all is well.  All. Truly. Is. Well.  So I don’t need to worry.  And tomorrow… well, tomorrow isn’t come yet.  “Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself.”

All I have to worry about is today, right now, this moment, and in this moment, I’m okay.

This is what I wrote in my gratitude journal this morning…

 

Today I am thankful for this present moment…

for the deep dark blue color that the sky is right now in this moment, and how beautiful it looks against the bare branches of my tree

for the rich flavor of my coffee

the warmth of the candle that is lit next to me, and its soothing light

for the sound of crows I can hear faintly cawing somewhere off in the distance

and the aroma of the incense I just burned a moment ago.

I’m thankful that in this present moment all is well

I am sheltered

I am fed

I am clothed

all of my five senses are functioning properly

and I am well.

In this present moment

and in the moments that have just passed as I wrote these words

I have everything I need

and so much more.

I have peace.

 

© Julie Rehnelt 2015

 DSCF2879a1

And I have pretty frost on my windows.

Again.

🙂

 

 

 

✿~Peace & Love~✿

Peace and Love 1

Weekly Photo Challenge: Gone, But Not Forgotten

So many things come to mind when thinking of the theme of this week’s Weekly Photo Challenge: Gone, But Not Forgotten. 

Mostly I think of my Papa, as this past Friday would have been his 86th birthday.  He passed away in 2011, and I miss him more than I can say.  But in all the photos we have of him, I wouldn’t begin to know or remember which ones may have been taken by me.

I also think about my dog, Junior.  He was such a good boy.  I had him for 16 years, and he was the best little companion to me, such a wonderful, loving, and loyal soul.

I think about my garden too.  Gone now are the lovely blooms and delicious fruits, of which I have zillions of photos, so they are definitely “not forgotten.”

But what I would like to share for this challenge is this photo I snapped of my daughter when she was working on a CD cover for her music…

Cover 2 Edited

 

One of the reasons it comes to mind, is because one of the titles on that CD is called “Not Forgotten.”  It’s such a lovely piece of music and fills me with so many emotions and memories of things “Gone, But Not Forgotten.”

Have a listen to it if you’d like.  You may need to adjust the volume on your listening device, as it’s recorded at a rather low volume…

~

 

 

✿~Peace & Love~✿

Peace and Love 1

A Place to Rest

 

Having been battered and scattered, blown about on gusty winds

tis a relief to finally lay to rest upon calming and gentle waters.

 

© Julie Rehnelt 2014

DSCF9919a1

 

It’s so interesting to realize the fluctuations that can occur in one’s perspective as life’s various circumstances come about.  I snapped this photo during a lovely moment by the lake while out enjoying some of the beautiful autumn colors, and when I first uploaded it to my computer my thoughts looking at it were quite fanciful… imagining the leaves flying joyful and free on the wind, experiencing the exhilaration as they’re released from their tree’s branches to fly off to see new and wondrous things, before landing in cool refreshing waters and continuing their journey floating happily onto new adventures.

But in looking at it this morning after being smacked in the face last night by some very hurtful words, which resulted in an overwhelming wave of emotions from old wounds reopening, I find myself seeing it quite differently.  One of the leaves being thrashed about in the wind, beaten and battered, rather than flying joyful and free.  I very much prefer the other scenario, don’t you?

But at least the ending is still good… finding calm, gentle waters to land in.  I could have wrote that they drowned afterward, some of the leaves in the photo are sunken.  😉

To be completely honest, I’m not quite there just yet ~ upon the calm, gentle waters.  But I know I will be as I work through it, I’m quite a champ at self pep-talks.  And besides… I’ve got some fun, festive things going on here over the next couple of days that are sure to help lift my spirits too.  I probably shouldn’t even have mentioned any of this stuff.  Oh well, too late now, I’m committed.  Clicking Publish

 

 

 

✿~Peace & Love~✿

Peace and Love 1

Perspective

I’ve been avoiding writing lately.  Oh, I’ve got plenty of “material” roaming around in this ol’ noggin of mine, there’s never a lack of reflective or contemplative thoughts to share, it’s just that I haven’t felt especially inspired or able to really formulate any of it into words for using my “outside voice.”  And I still don’t, but I wanted to share a little story with you about perspective.  The perspective of gratitude.

Yeah, yeah, I know it’s a bit cliche’ to talk about gratitude while we’re having our Thanksgiving holiday here in the states, but so what?  So what if it’s a particular holiday that springs up a certain way of thinking?  And regardless of ones views or opinions about what Thanksgiving is really all about (where it originated or to whom it is that we are to express our thanks to etc.), isn’t the idea of giving thanks still of value?  And isn’t it better to have a season or a holiday where our awareness of gratitude is a bit heightened, than to not have one at all?  Obviously it goes without saying that we should live our entire lives (all year round) in a continual attitude of gratitude.  But sometimes things are going on in our lives that get us caught up, and we lose that perspective of gratitude.  Because after all… life can be really, really difficult at times can’t it?

Here I am in my own world, living each day, doing my thing, going about my business, dealing with my own set of various struggles and difficulties, and doing my best to live in such a way that brings love and light into the lives of others.  But sometimes I get “caught up” in all the things I have to do, and sometimes I become resentful of all the things I have to do.  I never used to get like this.  Honestly, I lived in a little joy bubble, lalalalalala.  But now I have pain.  Pain has invaded my little joy bubble, and now, anything that I have to do that requires any considerable amount of walking or standing, brings excruciating pain to my knees.  I have to do a lot of planning ahead and prioritizing, and I have to pace myself as to not to overdo it or I’ll be paying for it dearly for days afterward.  But sometimes there’s simply a lot of shtuff that needs doing all at once, and because I have other people depending on me to do all that shtuff, I have no choice but to take care of it.  This is always a very busy time of the year for me, we have family birthdays going on, not to mention the holidays and everything that comes along with them, in addition to the regular every day things pressing in as well.

This story begins at the grocery store…

First let me mention that I HATE the grocery store.  Not all grocery stores, I don’t mind going to the smaller markets and the local co-op, but the big warehouse type of grocery stores… = hate.  I always have, even before I had any knee pain.  It may sound sort of strange, but sometimes I actually used to have to do a little bit of mental preparation before going in.  I’d breathe deeply and determine within myself not to let the other shoppers’ vibes affect my mood.  I’ve always been sensitive to peoples vibes, but shopper peoples’ vibes are the worst.  Seriously, they can be so rude.  Sometimes I’d play a little game and purposely go out of my way to be extra kind, especially to the really crabby people (a little kindness can go a long way), but then someone would ram into my heel or nearly run down my daughter with their cart, and then it was game over!

Well, I needed to go to the warehouse type of grocery store the other day to go shopping for our food for Thanksgiving dinner.  My mom and my daughter came along and surprisingly, we had an enjoyable time of selecting our turkey and other fixings for our meal.  It was early in the day so there weren’t many people there, no one ramming our heels or running us down with their carts.   😉  We came across an elderly gentleman and I made a bit of small talk with him and teased around with him about us being in each others way in front of the lettuce.  My mom and I were both in tears after leaving him because he made us think of my dad.  The holidays are especially difficult when missing a loved one.  😦   We also “played” around a bit with an elderly woman who was riding in one of those scooters for the disabled.  Those scooters are such a wonderful idea.  Kudos to whoever thought up the idea of providing them for customers at those larger stores.  In fact, this whole story may could have been avoided if I had used one of those scooters myself.  I have used them a couple of times in the past when I’ve had a lot of shopping to do, but the stores normally only have a few of them available, and I always want to leave them for the people who are more in need than myself.

The problem with our little shopping trip arose when we went to pay for our groceries.  The lines weren’t too long, because as I mentioned, there weren’t many shoppers, but lo and behold the line we got into was a nightmare.  A nightmare for people who have pain when standing for long periods, anyway.  There was only one woman in line ahead of us, and she didn’t have many items, so we thought it would be semi quick.  We weren’t in a hurry, but like I said, it’s painful for me to stand in one place for very long, so in that respect we were in a “hurry.”  Well, I don’t know what was going on, but this woman was taking for-fricking-ever.  Seemed like it anyway.  I had to leave my mom and daughter and squeeze out of line to go and find a place to sit down nearby because the pain became so unbearable.  I don’t know how long I had been standing there prior to my going to sit down, but I sat on that bench for at least another 10 or 15 minutes before my mom and daughter came up.  How one woman, with barely any items, can take over 20 minutes to check out her groceries was beyond me.

I was feeling pretty annoyed, but of course once I was sitting down I felt better because I was no longer in pain.  And as I sat there I began contemplating about whether or not I am a patient person.  I strive to be, and I think I generally am, but am I patient while I’m in pain?  Nope, definitely not.  Am I kind?  Yes, definitely.  But am I kind while I’m in pain?  Well… I’m still able to be polite.

As I sat there contemplating whether or not I’m a patient and kind person, I was also thinking about how much it sucks to be in pain and how embarrassing it is to have to go and sit down because I can’t even stand in a line for 5 minutes.  That train of thought led to thinking about all of the other woes in my life, and as I became aware of that, I stopped myself.  I began a different inner dialog that went something like this… “Gosh, ya know, I’m thankful I even have the money to buy this Thanksgiving dinner”  many people don’t.  And then “I’m thankful I have my little family to share it with” many people don’t.  And on it went, more thoughts poured in about how incredibly fortunate I am, and all the things I have to be grateful for.  It completely shifted my perspective.  Even to the point of feeling genuine compassion in place of annoyance toward that unbearably slow woman in line.  God only knows what her situation is in life.  Here I had my mom and daughter shopping with me, while this woman was alone.  Maybe she is even all alone in this world.  😦

As I sit writing this, smelling the delicious aroma of the food we bought that day wafting up to my room, I’m saying a quiet prayer for that woman, hoping that she isn’t all alone, that she has someone to share this day, and all of her days with.  And I’m thinking about all of the other people in the world who may be alone, or hungry, or cold, with compassion and with profound gratitude that I am not.

Peace & Love…

~

DSCF1844ab

~

Transformation

 

Color fading, light seeming dim

change transpiring from without and within.

Clinging to the familiar, hesitant to let go

afraid of the journey into the unknown.

Fear not precious one, take heart and have hope

wondrous transformation can often be found at the end of one’s rope.

© Julie Rehnelt 2013

~

100_4140b

~

Of Flowers And Chocolate Messes

Well, I think I did a pretty good job of staying positive and not giving into my worries yesterday.  Shortly after my post, I got the idea of going to the little local farmer’s market down the street.  I didn’t really need any veggies (if you’ve been here with me a while you know I already have quite a few of my own things growing here in my tiny garden), but I thought I’d go take a peek to see what they had anyway.  And besides, going there is just a festive thing that I enjoy doing sometimes on Saturday mornings during the growing season.

Mainly though, I was sort of thinking about picking up a bundle of fresh-cut flowers there.  One thing I like to do for myself when I’m feeling a bit low is buy myself fresh flowers.  I don’t do it very often, it’s a bit of an indulgence that I can’t always rationalize spending the money for, especially when finances are tight, but the fresh flowers they have at the farmer’s market are very reasonably priced.

Plus, they’re gorgeous!  See…

DSCF0183a

DSCF0205a

And this bright pink Zinnia was just begging for a close-up…

DSCF0191a

So lovely.  ♥

~

Sadly though, they’ve wilted quite a bit already and I’m really disappointed.  That’s the thing about flowers… once you pick them, they start to die.  😦

Bringing me to this morning’s mood…

Death.

Just kidding.

It’s just that I’m still struggling here with things.  I’ve been sitting here thinking “How the heck can a person have such a contrast of conflicting emotions inside?”  Cracking jokes one moment and then crying the next.  I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde!  Is it hormones, the waning moon?  Calgon take me away!  I did buy myself some wonderful handmade lavender soap at the farmer’s market yesterday, so maybe I need to just go and take a good long soak…

But unfortunately aromatic baths and fresh cut flowers are only temporary remedies and can’t fix the deeper issues going on inside.  *Sigh*

The thing is… I know all the right stuff to tell myself (and do, like buying the flowers for instance), but sometimes I feel like I’m just full of crap with all my sappy, feel good, mumbo jumbo rhetoric.  I pride myself on always keeping it real, always being honest with myself and with others, but sometimes, the fact of the matter is… I’m really hurting inside, and I cover it up.  I say it’s because I never want to be a downer to others, and that’s very true, but it’s also because I’m a bit embarrassed to admit it.  And I’m embarrassed to admit that.  I sincerely do have so much in my life to be thankful for.  I mean, I really, really do.  And so sometimes when I’m feeling down, I feel guilty, like I’m not appreciating all my blessings, or that I’m feeling sorry for myself.

Then I tell myself to stop over-analyzing everything and just fricken settle down.  Go pray, go putz around in the garden, listen to some music (take a lavender bath) etc.  But the problem with that is then I’m not really ‘dealing’ with whatever it is that’s bothering me.  Well, I sort of am by praying, but the rest of it is just stuff to soothe me.  Don’t get me wrong though, we need those soothing coping mechanisms, to do whatever it takes to calm us ~ sometimes they make all the difference and help so that we can approach the things that are bothering us more rationally.  And I truly believe that.

But gosh this is just so hard.  I’m hurting and I’m frustrated, the things that are bothering me right now are things I have absolutely no control over, and I’m having a really difficult time with it all.   I can’t seem to find the solution, and I feel like I’m fumbling around in the dark looking for the Light switch.

But yeah, so anyway…

I’m feeling like a bit of an emotional chocolate mess here.

So now… whether to actually post this or not, to risk being a downer, to risk exposing this part of myself?  I should probably just stick with my gardening posts.

Ah what the heck…

My Saturday Morning Self Pep Talk

I love being up early in the morning hours, before the rest of the world awakes, quietly sipping my coffee, listening to the birds.  My best inspiration comes to me then, before I’m fully awake, while sleepy dreams still linger in the back of my mind, while I’m still feeling the aftereffects of the cozy comforts of my bed.

But sometimes as the day creeps in, it brings with it the worries and cares of this life, and those peaceful morning moments slowly disintegrate.

I’m faced with a choice then.

I can’t control my circumstances, but I can try to control my attitude toward them.  Some are very painful and distressing, and a battle of the mind wages a war within me.  Sometimes it’s hard and I want to give in… give up… just let the waves of despair pull me under.  And sometimes I do…

But most times, I don’t.

And today… I won’t.

Because despite the difficulties of my circumstances, there are far too many other beautiful things in my life to focus on, and I won’t let the negative ones steal the Joy and the Light from me.  Not today.

~

DSCF0153b

~

And don’t you either…