That moment when you’re left scratching your head and wondering… “What was I thinking?”
Apparently I wasn’t, is my realization. “Live and learn” the saying goes. One would think that I’ve learned darn plenty in all of these 46 years and be much wiser by now, but I guess not.
What it comes down to is… when the heart is involved… sometimes the head isn’t. I’ve always thought that I had a pretty good balance between the two ~ and I guess I still do think that, for the most part. Just having some regrets right now and wishing I hadn’t let my heart get broken. Picking up the pieces afterward sucks real hard.
When you open your heart to someone there is always a risk of it getting hurt. Hurt hurts and makes me want to close it up tight to protect it. And there is something to be said for “guarding your heart.” Tried to do that. Failed. I don’t know how else to live than with a wide open heart.
I probably just need to not trust so easily. I’m usually pretty good at reading people, but at the same time I always give them the benefit of the doubt and try to believe that they are who they show themselves to be. Maybe that’s just being naive. I live my life being as authentic and real as I can (without totally embarrassing myself) and I guess I just expect others are trying to do the same. It’s so disappointing to realize otherwise.
I wish I had something encouraging and inspirational to tell myself right now. But yeah… I got nothin’.
Guess I can occupy myself with other things like… gardening! My therapy. I’m going to attempt building an A-frame trellis of sorts for growing my cucumbers on. I’ll get to use my new staple gun again. Yeah, shooting staples ought to do the trick. There is something to be said for keeping yourself busy doing things that you enjoy. Wish it wasn’t so cold out, but at least the sun is shinning. Soaking up some vitamin D should help fix me up too…
So I had an interesting dream last night. I tend to dream a lot throughout the night and usually remember them pretty well. I always try to analyze them to figure out what they might mean (especially the weird or recurring ones), and have read a few books on the subject of dreams as well. I may be weird, but I find it fascinating. Anything to do with the psyche interests me. Of course, there’s really no way to know any of it for sure ~ what our dreams may mean, but it’s interesting to contemplate and explore different ideas and possible theories.
Okay, so in this dream I had went back in time and found myself back inside my twelve year old body ~ but at the current age I am now. I was trying desperately to explain to my family what had happened and was trying to convince them that I had somehow come from the future. But to them I was twelve and they just weren’t buying it so as you can imagine, it was extremely frustrating for me ~ I was crying and pleading with them to no avail.
But one of the most prevalent things in my mind during the dream was that if I was going to be stuck being twelve and living my whole life over again, I would have to be very careful not to do anything that would change the future and/or who I have become.
Now, I realize that many people would simply love for a “do over” opportunity to come their way, but I’m not one of them. Although I do have some regrets, I sincerely would not change a thing about my life thus far. Each experience I have had has helped to make me who I am. And I kinda like me. 🙂
But that in no way means I would want to have to relive some of those experiences either. One of those being my failed 21 year marriage. And I was thinking exactly that within my dream. But I would need to still have my precious baby girl. She means everything to me and I would be more than willing to endure it a second time if I had to for her sake. ♥
When I first got divorced I remember thinking: “It’s all such a waste ~ all those years… just wasted. And now I’m old.” But it wasn’t long before I realized that it wasn’t a waste because I have a beautiful daughter who I raised during that time and she is an exceptional young lady. Being her Mom = one of the most fulfilling and rewarding job/career/life pursuit I could have ever had the privilege to experience so far.
Another thing I was faced with in my dream was that I didn’t want to do anything to upset or change the course of my friends or loved ones lives either. Even though there were things I could do to help them in knowing what was going to happen in their future, I had to still let it all happen too. But it was so hard because I didn’t want to have to watch them struggle through some of the difficult things they’ve had to go through.
I’ve seen a number of movies where the characters find themselves in a similar situation as I was in my dream, and the moral of the story is always that it’s best to leave things as they are because even the most difficult things you must endure in life have a purpose in the grand scheme. 🙂
You know… because it helps build character and such. Blah, blah, blah…
But it really is true. We all know it deep down. But going through difficult stuff sucks and we make mistakes and wish we would have done things differently. It’s sounds so cliche’ but… what we have to do is learn from it and move on.
It’s such a delicate balance ~ to take a little bit of the past with us as we move forward, so as not to forget the lessons, but not to drag it all behind us like a ball and chain filled with regret.
Heck, with all I’ve been going through recently, it’s really no mystery to me why I dreamed that ~ my subconscious is trying to tell me something…
My life is good. I’m thankful for it all ~ the good and the bad. And I wouldn’t want to change a thing.
Oh! And also… I want to learn whatever lessons I’m supposed to along the way so I don’t have to relive any of it again! 😉