Tag Archives: Dreams

My Bleeding Heart

 

I dreamt of you last night

the images, bittersweet

Now in waking

all feels empty

knowing that you’re gone

your goodbye echoing in my mind

My heart aches

still longing for you

holding on against all hope

it dangles there

dripping with love

My heart will never fully say goodbye to you

my love, my soul’s mate

Throughout the strands of time

my heart will continue on

carrying you with it

even as it bleeds

it’s beautiful

for having loved you

 

© Julie Rehnelt 2017

~

 

 

 

✿~Peace & Love~✿

Peace and Love 1

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Brain Surgery

I’ve been giving a lot of thought lately as to what career path I should take, and last night I had a dream that I was performing brain surgery.  Apparently, I had become a neurosurgeon?   But I had no clue what I was doing and faked my way through the whole thing.  It felt so wrong.  I was so happy and relieved afterward that the guy was okay that I held his face in my hands and cried.  Even though it all turned out okay, I think it’s safe to say that there’s no future for me in neurosurgery.

Other things happened in the dream too that give me cause to ponder and reflect on, but what I come away with in the end, is that I should do something that feels authentic to me.  Something that I am equipped for and gifted at – unlike brain surgery.  There’s a no-brainer.   😉

Ever since my divorce back in 2011, I’ve been wondering what I should do with my life.  Thankfully, I’ve had an income from my divorce settlement, so I’ve been able to take the time to try and figure that out.  But the interesting thing is…  that while I’ve been wondering what I should do with my life, I’ve realized that I’ve already been doing it all along.  Living each day, being open, listening.  And I’m so grateful for all of the experiences that I’ve had over these past 6 years – even the sad ones, because I’ve grown so much through it all.  But the time is nearing that my settlement will go down to an amount that is no longer sufficient to support me financially, so I will need to find a job.  It’s exciting and daunting at the same time, and I’ve been thinking a lot about what to do.  What to do, what to do?  I might need brain surgery after thinking so hard trying to figure it out.

A few of you know, but I haven’t shared here publicly yet about the total knee replacement surgery I underwent this past September.  The recovery has been really slow, gosh what an ordeal it’s been for me, like seriously, wow, but the surgery went very smoothly and I haven’t had any complications, so for that I am truly grateful.  I’m scheduled to have my second knee replaced at the end of February, and my hope is that once I’ve recovered, I will have more job opportunities available to me with two fully functioning knees.  The sky is the limit really, and I’m completely open.

Well, open unless it includes performing brain surgery.  😉

But hey, maybe the meaning of my dream was more about how I can do anything – even brain surgery.

 

 

 

✿~Peace & Love~✿

Peace and Love 1

Discarded Dreams

 

Discarded dreams laid to rest near frozen streams

having lost the will to fly

 

© Julie Rehnelt 2015

DSCF3752a1 (640x480)

~

 

Sorry, a bit depressing, I know, but that’s what I thought of when I saw this sad, bright pink balloon laying in a gutter of dirty frozen water along the side of the road.

Nothing so delightful such as this pink balloon should ever end up discarded in the gutter, nor should something as beautiful as our hopes and dreams.

I realize sometimes that’s easier said, but maybe, like this balloon, we just need a fresh dose of helium breathed into us.

What’s your helium?

 

 

✿~Peace & Love~✿

Peace and Love 1

Sleeping, Dreams, and Being Weird

I haven’t been sleeping very well lately and it’s really beginning to aggravate me because I love sleeping so much.  I mean, I really love it.  Not in a being lazy way though.  Just in a feeling of comfort and sense of well being way.  If that even makes any sense?

And I have THE most amazing bed on the planet.  Ask anyone who’s been in it.  I don’t mean in it like that.  But that’s good in it too.  😉  Not that a whole lot of that has been going on in it lately.  *Sigh*  But anyway, moving right along…

Here’s someone who’s been in it.  My sweet kitty, Baby.  And I know if she could talk she would testify that it is the most amazing bed on the planet.  She sure sleeps in it enough…

sweet_baby_by_jewels4665Aw she’s so soft and cuddly!  ♥

~

My bed truly is so wonderful and comfortable though.  I think it’s really important to have a good bed and to get a good nights sleep, and I believe it greatly affects other areas of a person’s health and life if they don’t.  I know it’s certainly affecting mine at the moment.

Over the years I’ve done a lot to try and create an atmosphere of restfulness and relaxation for myself when it comes to sleeping well, but it really is mostly all about my bed.  Oh how I love being in my bed, especially after I’ve fluffed up all my bedding and put on a fresh set of soft sheets… ah, sooo comfy.  I also have various lavender filled/scented paraphernalia surrounding my bed.  Mmm Lavender.  The scent of lavender my dear friends, is absolute pure and tranquil bliss to me.  See my earlier post “For the Love of Lavender ♥” and that will give you some idea of how I feel about it.

So with this amazing bed and all this lavender all over the place, why haven’t I been sleeping very well lately?  Well, I think it’s because I’ve been upset and have had things bothering me.  I’m finding it more of a challenge to feel content or peaceful in general, so I guess maybe that has carried over to my ability to sleep as well.  It’s interesting to me though because, I’ve went through a lot worse in the past and haven’t lost sleep over it.  I mean, yeah, there have been times here and there along the way, but this has been going on now for quite a while here.  I really hope it improves soon.

But none of that is actually what I intended to write about.  I only brought all of that up because of a funny/strange thing that has been happening in regard to my sleeping lately…

I’m texting messages to myself on the notepad function on my cell phone during the night while I’m asleep!   All my life I have always had a very vivid and imaginative dream life.  Maybe everyone does, I don’t know, but I’ve never done something like this before.  I don’t know if I should be amused or concerned.  I guess I’m mostly amused, but when I told my daughter about it the other day she thought it was super creepy, so that made me feel slightly concerned.  I’m definitely intrigued.

I think the psyche is so fascinating, and I wish we could know more, but I feel that most of it is just educated guessing.  And as for dreams, we may never fully know what they mean, but I’m sure they must be meant to help us in some way.

I had a dream once that came true.  Well, it was more of an after dream/vision of something that had already happened.  And I wasn’t fully asleep when I had it so I’m not sure if it can really be classified as a “dream,” but I was in bed falling asleep at the time.  I found myself back at work, watching an actual situation from my day.  It was from a brief conversation that had taken place between myself and two co-workers that day.  I saw myself talking with them, exactly as I really had that day, and then I watched myself leave the room.  But I was still there and I saw and heard the conversation they had with each other after I left.  They were talking about me!  The next day when I went to work (and leaving out tons of details here), I discovered that the conversation I “overheard” in my dream was word for word of what had really been said after I had left that day!  So weird, but super cool!  That was a very long time ago and nothing like that has ever happened to me again, but I will never forget that.  Really makes you wonder about stuff.  By the way… it was good things that were saying about me.  🙂

So back to these middle of the night texts I’m sending to myself…  I keep my cell phone on the night table beside my bed at night; I have the charger plugged in there and charge up my cell during the night while I’m sleeping.  I have been using the notepad function on my cell more and more instead of keeping lists and jotting down notes on paper for things.  There has been too many times I’ve written down something on a piece of paper and then have forgotten to grab it when I leave to go somewhere.  Since I pretty much always have my phone with me, therefore this way I will always have my lists and notes with me, that is why I’ve made the change to typing them on my cell phone notepad instead.  Of course, if my phone ever died or got lost I would be lost then too.

A lot of ideas come to me while I’m in bed and if I don’t write them down I may forget them, so it’s handy to have my cell there to jot it down on.  Sometimes when I have an interesting dream during the night I think I should write it down so I can try and recall it the next day, but I usually don’t want to let myself wake up enough to write it down because I’m tired and want to sleep, and I’m afraid if I let myself wake up, I may not end up being able to get back to sleep.  And I love my sleep, as I’ve said.  😉  I have done it a few times though, when I felt the dream was significant somehow.  But the thing is, the significance of it doesn’t seem as significant in the morning as it did during the night, and the ones that are, I usually remember without having to write them down.

With these middle of the night texts, I suppose maybe it’s possible that somewhere within my psyche, while I’m on that other level on consciousness during the night, I find it necessary to type messages to myself.  Too bad they don’t make any sense.  One from 2 a.m. the other night said “We can, we will.”  Well that’s just great, but who is we and just what the heck is it that we can and will be doing here?  I’m totally clueless, and I wrote it.  Haha!   Well, at least it was basically a positive thought to tell myself anyway, right?

Who does that though, seriously?  I’m so freaking weird.

Last night I had a dream that a prehistoric man-eating alligator was after me while I was playing at a playground (as an adult hah!).  I was climbing up the bars of the playground equipment trying to escape, but then I got trapped.  It almost had me in its jaws when I suddenly thought to jump into the air and then realized that I could fly.  Sweet!  I love when that happens!

See, and I didn’t even write that one down, but I still remembered it.  Not that it felt significant in any way, but I would really like to know the meaning behind it.  Taking it just at face value though… I’m relieved to know I can jump into the air and fly if ever I am to face a prehistoric man-eating alligator.  😉

Ah man.  So yeah, I’m not sleeping very well lately.  Which apparently for me translates into sending texts to myself while I am asleep, and having dreams about prehistoric animals trying to eat me.  But hey, at least I can fly!

Well, I’m about to head off to bed after posting this, wish me luck.  Sweet dreams and sleep well, Jewels.  Yeah, now I’m talking to myself.  Or typing to myself.  But I suppose that’s slightly less weird than texting myself in my sleep…

Shattered Dreams

Shattered dreams like broken glass

the fragments cut deep, raw emotion pours out

spilling angry tears, choking sobs, grief, confusion, regret,

making this heart feel fragile and want to close up tight.

~

Profound sorrow like mourning a death

the loss of a love before it was given a chance to fully blossom

twas such a beautiful, meaningful connection, special, unique,

making this heart feel broken and become undone.

~

With the prophecy left unfulfilled

all faith and hope in dreams is gone.

© Julie Rehnelt 2013

~

Hope 2013

Ahhh, so here it finally is!  What I’ve been waiting for ~ the New Years’ inspiration to kick in.

I’ve been really sick for the past week.  In fact, my entire family has been too, and it has hit us all pretty hard.  Other than just the general sense of feeling like absolute crap, the biggest issue for me through it all has been the complete lack of energy I’ve had, just sitting upright for more than a little while at a time has been a challenge.  Laying around being bored, with a million thoughts running through your mind, and feeling too sick to do anything else is certainly not a good way to start off the new year with a positive attitude.  And when you’re sick, there is a tendency to feel negative about everything anyway so many of those ‘million thoughts’ were mostly gloomy.

I feel like a broken record constantly mentioning how difficult the past few years have been for me, and I’m just so done with it all.  I want my happy, joyful, positive attitude back, and I want it naow!

There is such a fine line between acknowledging and giving validation to all of the struggles, hurts, and sorrows you’ve gone through and just getting over it and getting on with things.  On one hand, you can’t just skim right over it all and pretend like everything is all peachy because stuffing your problems never fixes them, they only build up, lurking just beneath the surface, and if they’re not dealt with they eventually pop up and affect other areas of your life.  I’d rather give them the required attention now so that I can truly move on and be done with it.  But on the other hand, geez how long does it take for crying out loud?!

In contemplating the new year, my thoughts and feelings have been all over the place ~ anywhere between hope and excitement to fear and trepidation.  My natural tendency is usually to be optimistic and positive, but when I look at a few of the cold hard facts of the ‘reality’ of my situation, that optimism fades a bit.

I feel like I’m constantly at war with myself, wanting to be realistic and practical, but at the same time wanting to dream, wanting to imagine, wanting to believe in “happily ever after.”  But I don’t like pretending.  Keeping things real and being authentic is very important to me.  If I’m not ‘feeling’ it, I’m not faking it.

I’ve mentioned many times before how thankfulness and gratitude are key to finding true happiness and I really believe that with all my heart.  Of course it’s easy to live in an “attitude of gratitude” when things are going well, but it’s much more of a challenge when things are difficult.  But it is possible to do, and to be authentic about it, because there is always something to find to be thankful for.  Always.

I used to live in a sort of bubble.  It was a wonderful bubble.  I miss my bubble.  I walked around every day and I was just… happy.  The birds were always singing, the sun was always shining, I met each day with hopeful anticipation, deeply grateful for all of my blessings, always expecting good and wonderful things for my life, and do you know what?  That’s exactly what I got.  Not that everything was perfect, not by any means, but I was happy, it was all about my attitude, and it was about my faith and trust in God that no matter what happened everything was always working for my good.  I want my bubble back.

So, yesterday was the first day I was finally feeling a tiny bit better and after being sick for a week I was really feeling the need to change my bedding.  I have a bit of OCD about my bedding always needing to be fresh and clean so when I’ve been sick it’s even more of an issue.  While I was doing the laundry, I sat with my sick daughter and my sick mother and watched a movie.  The movie was called “Enchanted.”  It’s just a silly little movie, I’ve seen it before, but as I sat there and watched it, I saw something new.  It wasn’t the movie itself really, it was the thoughts it provoked.  I hope I’m able to articulate those thoughts here…

Movies, or stories in general, have a way of getting inside of us and producing certain thoughts and feelings.  I think what happens is, there are common or universal ideas that go deep down somewhere and we relate to them on some certain level.  A particular story resonates with us, provokes feelings.  Ah it’s wonderful.  But then, then… reality.  Oh reality.  Sorry people, no dreaming, real life isn’t like this.  This is just make believe, real life doesn’t work that way.  Well why the heck not?!  Seriously, why not?  Why can’t real life be that way?  Obviously the reasons that stories touch us the way they do is because deep inside of us we know that life is meant to be more than it is.  There’s more to it than this ‘reality’ that we’ve been given.

Ya know… if there hadn’t been dreamers we wouldn’t have even half of what we do in the world today.  Inventors, crazy people they are, dreamers.  What if they let ‘reality’ hold them back?  What if they had listened to all the naysayers telling them “that’s not realistic.”  Why do we have to be realistic?  Lets dream!  Lets wish and imagine and hope and do what it is that we really long for!

A fellow blogger posted a TED video the other day of a young girl speaking on “What adults can learn from kids” and maybe it was the combination of that video mixed with the silly Enchanted movie that sparked all these thoughts.  One of the things that I really loved that the little gal said was  “In order to make anything a reality, you have to dream about it first.  In many ways, our audacity to imagine helps push the boundaries of possibility.”  Gosh, that’s good stuff right there!  What an extraordinary kid!  What is that quote… “out of the mouths of babes.”  We lose something when we grow up.  Something important.  I want to be just like this little gal when I grow up.

Forget about resolutions, for New Years I want grab hold of my dreams and not be afraid to pursue them.  I sort of have to figure them out first though, 😉 but then…

The future

~

The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of…

So I had an interesting dream last night.  I tend to dream a lot throughout the night and usually remember them pretty well.  I always try to analyze them to figure out what they might mean (especially the weird or recurring ones), and have read a few books on the subject of dreams as well.  I may be weird, but I find it fascinating.  Anything to do with the psyche interests me.  Of course, there’s really no way to know any of it for sure ~ what our dreams may mean, but it’s interesting to contemplate and explore different ideas and possible theories.

Okay, so in this dream I had went back in time and found myself back inside my twelve year old body ~ but at the current age I am now.  I was trying desperately to explain to my family what had happened and was trying to convince them that I had somehow come from the future.  But to them I was twelve and they just weren’t buying it so as you can imagine, it was extremely frustrating for me ~ I was crying and pleading with them to no avail.

But one of the most prevalent things in my mind during the dream was that if I was going to be stuck being twelve and living my whole life over again, I would have to be very careful not to do anything that would change the future and/or who I have become.

Now, I realize that many people would simply  love for a “do over” opportunity  to come their way, but I’m not one of them.  Although I do have some regrets, I sincerely would not change a thing about my life thus far.  Each experience I have had has helped to make me who I am.  And I kinda like me.  🙂

But that in no way means I would want to have to relive some of those experiences either.  One of those being my failed 21 year marriage.  And I was thinking exactly that within my dream.  But I would need to still have my precious baby girl.  She means everything to me and I would be more than willing to endure it a second time if I had to for her sake. ♥

When I first got divorced I remember thinking: “It’s all such a waste ~ all those years… just wasted.  And now I’m old.”  But it wasn’t long before I realized that it wasn’t a waste because I have a beautiful daughter who I raised during that time and she is an exceptional young lady.  Being her Mom = one of the most fulfilling and rewarding job/career/life pursuit I could have ever had the privilege to experience so far.

Another thing I was faced with in my dream was that I didn’t want to do anything to upset or change the course of my friends or loved ones lives either.  Even though there were things I could do to help them in knowing what was going to happen in their future, I had to still let it all happen too.  But it was so hard because I didn’t want to have to watch them struggle through some of the difficult things they’ve had to go through.

I’ve seen a number of movies where the characters find themselves in a similar situation as I was in my dream, and the moral of the story is always that it’s best to leave things as they are because even the most difficult things you must endure in life have a purpose in the grand scheme.  🙂

You know… because it helps build character and such.  Blah, blah, blah…

But it really is true.  We all know it deep down.  But going through difficult stuff sucks and we make mistakes and wish we would have done things differently.  It’s sounds so cliche’ but… what we have to do is learn from it and move on.

It’s such a delicate balance ~ to take a little bit of the past with us as we move forward, so as not to forget the lessons, but not to drag it all behind us like a ball and chain filled with regret.

Heck, with all I’ve been going through recently, it’s really no mystery to me why I dreamed that ~ my subconscious is trying to tell me something…

My life is good.  I’m thankful for it all ~ the good and the bad.  And I wouldn’t want to change a thing.

Oh!  And also… I want to learn whatever lessons I’m supposed to along the way so I don’t have to relive any of it again!   😉

~